We have two more months left in high school. On June 9, we’ll be walking across the stage and, in a sense, onto the next stage of our lives. I find myself thinking about college a lot lately - not just because admissions decisions have been coming out - but because I can’t help but wonder what friendships I’ll lose and what friendships I’ll gain. I can’t seem to imagine me a year from now, nonetheless after I graduate from college. Who will I be? What will I have accomplished?
Where will we all be in five years?
When we all finally click accept and finalize our college decisions, we will have made a decision that will determine what we will deem our “second home” for the next few years.
I can’t help but feel afraid that I’ll some how make the wrong decision.
I dislike it when people make comments that, for me, feel like they’re overstepping the line. And one of my biggest pet peeves is when I do something like break something, or drop something, and it’s because I “didn’t go through extra precautions” to make sure it didn’t happen. I apologize that I’m clumsy and everything, but that doesn’t mean that the fact that that stupid thing came crashing to the floor was because I didn’t think it through enough. How do you go through extra precautions to prevent accidents from happening? Like opening the door for your friend who can’t walk very well, and having it knocked out of your hand? Right. That was definitely because I didn’t go through extra precautions - because there were definitely precautions I could have taken because I have the ability to just, you know, foresee these types of things.
That was rude.
I was genuinely upset that I cracked a huge gash into a mug that wasn’t even mine. A mug that my sister’s had for two or three years. I already felt bad that it had cracked, but for you to laugh at me and tell me condescendingly that “you know you’re clumsy” and should have, therefore, known to take extra precautions.
Excuse me?
I didn’t know I was supposed to be able to predict someone smacking something out of my hand.
I get enough of that shit from my mom. Already got more shit for cracking it from her. And I most definitely DID NOT need it from you.
According to you people, that stupid thing cracked, not because someone bumped into me. Not because accidents actually happen, but because I’m careless. Because I didn’t take the time to take care of it. The fuck. It’s one thing for my mother to say things along the lines of, “You should have known and held on to it better.” Despite the fact that I don’t have omniscient powers that would allow me to be able to predict that someone would come bump into me. It’s one thing for her to not understand the concept that it was an accident. But it’s another for one of my peers to take on that same stupid tone.
It’s not that I’m against the KONY movement, but I am against the people who find information from a single source that has suddenly gone viral and then claim that they are entirely for the cause. They haven’t done the proper research and they barely know a thing about the situation. Some of these people who “support” the KONY movement aren’t even aware that it has been going on for a few years now and some people are stupid enough to think “Oh, I just found out about it so it must have just happened”. No, no, no.
That’s not the only thing that bothers me about this either, it’s the fact that everyone feels the need to constantly spread this KONY stuff around but what have they actively done to change what’s happening? Are they fundraising, are they donating, are they actually doing something about it other than just saying they are against his actions? No, half of these people are just following others and reposting all of these things. That doesn’t make you a true humanitarian. That doesn’t mean you genuinely care about the situation.
Of course, spreading the word is a good thing. But… is this really the proper way to spread it? Constantly spamming others on the internet? Or wouldn’t it be more effective to spread the word by actively informing people about it. Instead of posting up those posters or whatever that say nothing, have no information, and people just blindly reblog.
Not to mention, like I said before, this isn’t the only, and certainly not the worst, situation that is going on in the world. There is a plethora of other issues, similar to this one, in a multitude of third world countries. So what makes KONY the special one? Simply because someone had enough money to create a video on it? That shouldn’t be the case. If you genuinely are against these things. If you’re genuinely interested in taking action and fighting for human rights, then you’d be involved in more than just the situations endorsed by these “nonprofit” organizations. Because, to be honest, the places that aren’t getting any media attention are probably the ones suffering the most since they aren’t receiving the same amount of support and aid as the ones that are.
Wanna make a difference? Do some research. AND before you run off and donate your money, find the best organization to donate it to. What’s the point in donating $5 to an organization if you later find out that half their money goes to lavish their own workers with luxuries?
My Psychology teacher made a point, I forgot which organization he was using as an example, but when he was working at a furniture store he delivered a piece of furniture that was worth $20,000 to a luxurious building that housed a “nonprofit” organization that was supposed to be sending their money to those in need. Where does a nonprofit organization get enough money to blow twenty grand on a piece of furniture? Why would they do so if they’re so intent on helping others in need? That one piece of furniture could have fed a family for a really long time in a third world country.
So do your research. Donate your money to where it actually counts.
It’s 1:31AM and I’m still extremely agitated by all this controversy floating around. I know that everyone has their own opinions and I am definitely for humanitarianism, but the fact is… When has our help ever made an impact? Or better yet, why do people - our generation, in particular - only give a shit when these situations are put into the media? If your intentions were completely genuine, if you’re a person who just actually really wants to make a difference and improve others’ living conditions, wouldn’t you want to learn about these things yourselves? Yet, for some reason, the only important issues are the ones that the media presents to us. KONY shows up in a video that goes viral and suddenly it is the most pressing issue. Never mind that there are dozens of other third-world countries suffering. Never mind that we’re all being hypocrites by saying that we want to “help” these people who have less than us, but we’re the picture of excess. Our country constantly tries to help other countries, constantly tries to project this image of kind-hearted people who want to help those who have less than us. But look at us. The country that has an obesity epidemic. The country where students are constantly attached to cell phones and computers, when one of our computers could probably pay for a months worth of meals for a family some where else in the world.
See the thing is, if we all really, really wanted to I’m sure that a lot of these countries could be fed right now. But look at us. Overconsuming, overspending, drowning in all of our luxuries but all anyone can think about is how much they are suffering because they didn’t get the iPhone 4 or how they didn’t have internet for a day. Then suddenly when they see that someone somewhere is suffering they want to help, by sending a few dollars over there. No one wants to take away from their own luxuries, though. The fact is, we all have been living in luxury for so long that we don’t even realize it’s a luxury anymore.
I think the thing that bothers me most about Valentine’s day is the fact that so many people insist on moping around over the fact that they’re single. It isn’t that big of a deal, I promise. I was single last year on Valentine’s Day but it didn’t make me feel lonely and not once did I feel the need to victimize myself and mumble “forever alone” every time the opportunity came up. It’s a commercialized holiday in which boys shower their girlfriends with overpriced, materialistic symbols of love. Yet, in reality, it should be every other day of your regular day-to-day routine that makes you feel loved - that makes it evident how much love exists between you and your significant other. It’s irritating me that I have friends who are complaining because their boyfriends didn’t show up on their doorstep with flowers or jewelry. Should those things really matter?
Or oh, what peeves me even more is when couples choose Valentine’s day to spew forth every single corny, overused line on a public website. “Forever and ever” or “you’re my one and only love”. Dude, first of all, you’ve been dating for all of… I don’t know, a month. I wouldn’t be professing my eternal love just yet. More importantly, if these feelings are how you really feel why do you have to wait for the most predictable day to say it. Why can’t you tell your significant other how much you love them on a normal day? Personally, if someone showed up with flowers and a handwritten note on a day that’s not Valentine’s day then the surprise would mean doubly more. I mean, of course it’s sweet to get it ON Valentine’s Day, but isn’t it even more special when they don’t need some dumb holiday to prompt them to do it?
Yeah. Idk.
Anyways, I had a good Valentine’s day and a wonderful dinner with my boyfriend. I won’t spew grossly cheesy commentary about how much I love him. So I’ll spare you all.
Honestly, if you have the ability to come online and spend hours complaining about how terrible the conditions of your life is your life can’t possibly be that terrible. Venting about your emotions is one thing, but to vent about how much you lack is a little… well, I don’t know what the proper word is. Spoiled? I don’t know. All I know is you have internet access and more than likely a computer sitting in your room, among other things like shelter, clothing, and daily meals. You live a life of luxury compared to those who have to scrounge for their next meal. For those who don’t always have a roof to sleep under.
What right do you have to complain about the lack of electronics you have? Why do you think it’s worth typing up an essay over the lack of compassion your family has for your “teenage” needs (in other words, their refusal to indulge in your childish selfishness) when there are thousands of people who don’t even have running water?
Why in the world is our nation so goddang spoiled.
It’s horrible that I can’t close my mind to all of the negative thoughts I have. It seems logical to me that since it’s my mind and my thoughts, I should be able to press a mute button and just silence them. Yet, I can’t seem to ever brush aside the bad thoughts or even simply push them out of my mind. It feels like I’m fighting against my own brain to maintain a good outlook on life. These thoughts make me feel unhappy, uncertain, and altogether uncomfortable and the more I think them, the more I feel powerless against my own wave of negativity.
I hate being lied to, but sometimes the truth lies so heavily in my mind that I don’t know what to do with it. It doesn’t hurt, necessarily, but every time I think about it it seems as if my chest is tightening.
I don’t typically go hurdling into the new year with a “resolution” or with the slightest thought in my mind of reforming myself into a better person. Yet, it surprises me year after year when I look in retrospect how much the year has genuinely impacted me as a person. These tiny, little, gradual changes that I’ve experienced throughout the prior year slipped by without my notice until at the very end of it all when I had to look back and contemplate the progress of the year.
I had a panic attack last night and it took me back to middle school, when I used to have them regularly. Those nights where I would be laying in bed and everything would suddenly feel immensely heavy in my chest, everything seemed to crumble to pieces in my mind, and the supposed futility of my efforts would crowd my thoughts until I felt that I was completely powerless, completely incapable of moving forward. My chest would spasm, I would have shortness of breath, and then I would burst immediately into tears.
What about the me today makes me less susceptible to these daily attacks? Maybe it’s the fact that my life crumbled into pieces, figuratively speaking of course (and it sounds incredibly melodramatic when I put it in those words), in this past year and I was forced to realize that even when things were in complete chaos in my life, my efforts would never be futile as long as I gave it my best shot. Maybe it was the fact that I cracked, hit rock bottom, and huddled there for months at a time stuck in the mindset that things would never get better - and then discovered that I never wanted to have that mindset again and jumped back out of it.
It was all of the little unfortunate events in my life that have built me up. I guess that’s the silver-lining of living a life where things seem to constantly fall to pieces. Things ranging from the trivial “broken heart” (which, of course, didn’t feel trivial at the time), to the crumbling of a once-upon-a-time stable family structure, to the most painful aspect of life, death. However bad the situation was, it always taught me something. It taught me to value myself above all else. It taught me to keep hurdling forward even as things are falling apart in the background. It taught me the necessity of communicating and loving those who are in your life to the best of your ability… because you never know for a fact that they will be here tomorrow.
So, 2011. Thank you for all of the tears and laughter; pain and happiness alike. I wouldn’t appreciate happiness to this extent if I hadn’t had to undergo trials and tribulations. I wouldn’t have learned so much about myself if I hadn’t had myself “broken into pieces”. The process of finding all of the pieces and putting them back together helped me to see parts of me that I didn’t even realize were there.
Last year (how strange it is to call it that), however rocky and turbulent it was, was an amazing year full of discoveries, heartache, and glorious moments of pure happiness. With 2011 came a plethora of new friends, a loss of old friends, and a deep appreciation for the friends who have never ceased to remain by my side throughout the years - throughout everything.
I feel like I need to write an end of the year recap for the hell of it every year, because some time in the future I’m going to want to read this… probably.
The number of 12-13 year old girls on here who are “Tumblr famous” for their pictures freaks me out a little bit. Here are a bunch of girls, fresh out of middle school, drowning in the attention of hundreds of strangers, spending way too much time doing their hair, getting their eye make up down to a T, and dressing with “swag” instead of actually applying themselves to learning or bettering themselves as people.
They spend so much time on their looks - hell, they all look a few years older than me with the way they dress up their faces. Going around school nowadays I can’t tell freshmen apart from seniors anymore, not the way I could my freshman year. All the girls are just one big blur with the same style, the same make up, the same hair. A bunch of clones in mobs trying way too hard to fit the current day definition of “beauty”.
I see more hair flipping, mirror staring, make-up doing on campus than I see learning.
…Like seriously. I walk into the girls bathroom trying to use the toilets and when I come out to wash my hands, the girls at the mirrors are hogging up all the sink space. Excuse me but I’m pretty sure hygiene is more important than your make up. There’s always some girl standing for the longest ass time in front of the mirror primping herself (for who knows what) and when I say, “Excuse me” to them so that I can wash my hands they mean mug the shit out of me.
The fuck, girls. Get your shit together. I’m sorry, I don’t even know how to put make up on myself or curl hair… or whatever. I’m not saying that girls who put on make up should be looked down upon or anything, but once your make up is on, it’s on. Do you really need to hog up the space in a public bathroom so you can get your daily intake of seeing yourself? Honestly. Or shit, bring your own little handheld mirror. Don’t crowd up the breathing space in our already shitty-dirty-ass school bathroom’s just ‘cause you think it’s so goddang important to get every dumb hair on your head in place.
Are you trying to look pretty for those textbooks you should have your face buried in? Probably not.
